Well all, I've read the Golden Compass series cover to cover a while back, and I've wanted to see it in theaters for a while now, but as it goes, I think I'll have to wait until it comes out on DVD. BUT, that doesn't mean I can't have a little piece of it now. I took a personality test over on the movies offical site, and I found out that my Daemon is, well...



Cool, eh?

Pathetic.

That is what I am.

Completely and utterly.

I am a useless person: no skills, no experience, no ability.

I live with people that I don't even know that well, or their motivations for having me there.

I hate myself.

I hate what I've become.

I hate.

There's two reasons something cold and sharp hasn't found me yet: Jenn and Lizzie.

These two amazing women are the only reason I continue to live.

Jenn is my Fiance whom I love unconditionally. There is quite literally nothing that she can do that will make me leave her.

Lizzie is my best friend and like a little sister to me. I love her on the same level as Jenn.

Both are equally important to me.

And I can't even afford Christmas presents this year.

Fuck, I want to just buy a gun and end all this bullshit.. all this pain.. all this suffering.. just end me.

Jenn... I'm not even sure Jenn loves me anymore. Sure, there's good days, but when she gets angry at me, which is often and my own fault, she really gets angry at me. Really, really angry. But it's my own fault, right? I mean, I make her angry, so I need to change what I'm doing to not make her angry at me.

Lizzie... I know through the internet. We're the best of friends... that a cold glass screen and a keyboard allow us to be. I love her like she were my flesh and blood... I just don't want to screw things up and have another person in the world hate me.

Of course... what else would a Pathetic waste of time like myself do BUT fuck up relationships with his only two people that care and worry about him?

I'm just that fucking pathetic.

Why couldn't I be a murder victim?

sadness abounds....

yeah... as of late, all I've noticed is that I continually fail at pretty much everything I try to do. Weather it's trying to comfort friends, do something for myself, or even just spend time with the woman I love... I pretty much fail at it.

I just feel so depressed as of late that doing normal things seems so insurmountable it's not even funny, hell, it's hurts to laugh... it never used to....

yeah.. just another self-piting diatribe of superscilious crap spewing from my mind...

why can't I write anymore?

Am I THAT dumb?

Ya know, I'm male, Dumb by stereotype. But I've tried to be good about it. I try to be not-so dumb. But I fail most of the time.

Examples?

Well, I've got a great friend online that I recently got into World of Warcraft and her whole family (save for her little brother) likes the game. I promised her that I'd come on the game with her sometime this week and help her out. It's Wednesday now and I don't know when I'll be able to get on with her. I *WANT* to, but I get bogged down with other obligations... obligations that aren't even mine.

Well, technically not mine. Like I've said before, I look after two elderly people and I live with the rest of the family. No one else does much around here. I cook. I clean, I just do a lot around here, and no one gives a damn. Hell, my fiancee and I had to fight to get a day to go down to the city.

Another great one is with my fiancee. I de-stress by doing one of three things: World of Warcraft, TV and Reading. the problem is my TV. I watch.. well.. a lot of tv. And I know it's another male Seterotype, but I watch tv and that's about all I do when I watch tv. I have a hard time paying attention to anything other then the tv when I watch tv, and it really pisses my fiancee off. I don't even *hear* her when she talks to me.

Yeah, I suck.

I get told that every day.

yeah... lost my train of thought already... but whatever, right... not like there's a million of these things polluting the net..

I'm rolling over now... see you whenever I get the urge to write another post...


god damn do I suck

I Suck.

Yeah. I know. 'Angsty', 'Emo', blah blah blah. Shut the fuck up.

I suck. I know I do.
I'm frikkin 28 years old and I havn't done a single thing with my life.

'But it's your life and you live it the way you choose', or so says my mom.

Bullshit. utter fucking claptrap. No one really knows me. At all. My Fiancee is about the only one who does, and by any higher power listening, if I ever have to let her friends get to know me better, I hope I don't screw it up.

Ya see, I'm more then a little weird.

Ok.

I'm a lot weird. If I could be given a preference in what I could do, it would be to take a very large, sharp, heavy object and go beat some skulls in with it.

Why?

Because maybe causing a little pain, destruction and chaos would make me feel a little better about my life.

Am I violent? No. I'm actually quite peaceful.

On the outside.

Inside? Pfft. I bottle everything up. And not because I have issues expressing anger, it's for the simple reason of 'why should I'? i don't give a damn about how other people see me, mainly because I've become so overweight it's not funny. I can't even tie my shoes without my gut crushing the air out of my lungs.

I really do give up. It's obvious that I am stuck in this rut for the rest of my life, and there's nothing I can do to change it.

How so?

Well, every time I have an idea, it gets shot down. Hard. Perfect example:

I'm a miniature painter of some skill, and I thought that I'd try to parley that skill into a job.

what a farce that was.

My father, who is a Bodyman by trade and works at restoring classic and antique cars, said that there was a need for people, in his business, that could restore the old speed/gas dials on the cars. I've done this before, and they turned out fairly well.

here comes the snag.

I get ready to do my first Dial, a nice little one from a '67 Austin Martin, when the guy pulls the job before he sent the parts. I sent an email asking why. He said he found someone else to do it and would not respond to any other email's I sent him.

....


Bah.. you know what, all this is going to become is a long winded rant espousing my own self-hatred.

It doesn't matter.

I don't matter.

I'm just another cog in the machine called life.


God I suck....

How long will this last?

Ya know, shit will always hit the fan just as your walking by it. Don't know why. Don't care why. It just does.

Why is this important? Well, you see, they let Satan out of her pen for a while and she's living here with me and my fiancee. And by Satan, I mean my Fiancee's mother. She's a real piece of work. Had a brain anyurisim when she was in her early twenties, and she's been on disability since. She's a first rate bitch and a real asshole to boot. She likes to think she's right all the time, and that everything she does is perfect, while anything anyone else does is wrong, shitty and could've been done better by her.

I could go on, but then I'd get into venting and loose the impetus for this. She's been here for about a week's time now, and all she's done is bitch, moan, gripe and complain about everything being in such a state of disrepair and everyone not helping her. Ya see, she's got this chip on her shoulder the size of the fucking planet and i swear someone needs to knock it off her shoulder and beat her around the head with it for a few years.

She's got such a self-inflated view of herself that it's sickening. I've never seen anyone so self-deluded. She actually thinks that I don't do anything around here. What a load of bull. She specifically tells me to go and rest because my asthma is bad (Note: it's always bad; she smokes in the house) and then has the sheer audacity to say that I don't do anything.

I used to take pity on her, seeing as she's been in abusive relationships and everything else that somehow plagues her. Not any more! Why? Not her treatment of me, that's for certain, but ya know what? If she treated any of the guys that she was with like she treats me, it's little wonder she's been beaten so many times.

We men will only put up with that kind of crap for so long before we just stand up and walk away. It's the bad ones who try to beat their idea of what a woman should be into their women.

I don't condone violence against women. Not in the slightest. But you remember seeing that sleazy jerk on TV, doesn't matter what show, you know the type; The self-satisfied, smug fucker who needs someone to take him out back and put a good beating to him. The guys that make you wantto jump through the TV and throttle the hell out of them? yeah. THAT is what I get to deal with, 24/7, when the Fiancee's mother is here.

Someone want to shoot her? Or me?

Please?





bah... she's not worth the bullet.


But there are days when I wonder...

GRRAAAHHHH!!!!

I want them all fucking dead. DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD!! These three little assholes that my fiance is forced to call 'Cousins' are going to make me do something monumentally stupid. The middle one is the ringleader. He creates all the shit in this house, and expects me to clean it up.

An example of this just happened. I make dinner every night because I like to cook. This little fucker decided a few months ago what I made wasn't good enough for him, so he's gone out of his way to impede my cooking efforts. Tonight's menu consisted of Weiners and Beans, just a nice simple dinner, nothing special, nothing big.

What does the little ass do?

He goes and makes 2 boxes of Mac'n'Cheese in the pot that I need to use to make the weiners and beans. I'm so stressed out right now that all I want to do is grab the fat little fucker by the throat and bash his head against the counter until it's a gooey, bloody mess.

Who, me? Violent? Never...

It just bugs me, the middle ass has coerced the youngest into hating me, and is trying to get the eldest, who seems to be still interested in having a friendship with me, to hate me as well.

I really have no clue as to what to do any more.

Bah, it's not like it matters any more. Me and the Fiancee are going to Niagra Falls for 5 days, starting tomorrow, so, It will be nice to be away from all the shit in this house. Come October, barring any big problems, I'll be moving out, so... That will be a great thing.

I'm just to tired to continue any more... talk at you later.