I Suck.

Yeah. I know. 'Angsty', 'Emo', blah blah blah. Shut the fuck up.

I suck. I know I do.
I'm frikkin 28 years old and I havn't done a single thing with my life.

'But it's your life and you live it the way you choose', or so says my mom.

Bullshit. utter fucking claptrap. No one really knows me. At all. My Fiancee is about the only one who does, and by any higher power listening, if I ever have to let her friends get to know me better, I hope I don't screw it up.

Ya see, I'm more then a little weird.

Ok.

I'm a lot weird. If I could be given a preference in what I could do, it would be to take a very large, sharp, heavy object and go beat some skulls in with it.

Why?

Because maybe causing a little pain, destruction and chaos would make me feel a little better about my life.

Am I violent? No. I'm actually quite peaceful.

On the outside.

Inside? Pfft. I bottle everything up. And not because I have issues expressing anger, it's for the simple reason of 'why should I'? i don't give a damn about how other people see me, mainly because I've become so overweight it's not funny. I can't even tie my shoes without my gut crushing the air out of my lungs.

I really do give up. It's obvious that I am stuck in this rut for the rest of my life, and there's nothing I can do to change it.

How so?

Well, every time I have an idea, it gets shot down. Hard. Perfect example:

I'm a miniature painter of some skill, and I thought that I'd try to parley that skill into a job.

what a farce that was.

My father, who is a Bodyman by trade and works at restoring classic and antique cars, said that there was a need for people, in his business, that could restore the old speed/gas dials on the cars. I've done this before, and they turned out fairly well.

here comes the snag.

I get ready to do my first Dial, a nice little one from a '67 Austin Martin, when the guy pulls the job before he sent the parts. I sent an email asking why. He said he found someone else to do it and would not respond to any other email's I sent him.

....


Bah.. you know what, all this is going to become is a long winded rant espousing my own self-hatred.

It doesn't matter.

I don't matter.

I'm just another cog in the machine called life.


God I suck....

How long will this last?

Ya know, shit will always hit the fan just as your walking by it. Don't know why. Don't care why. It just does.

Why is this important? Well, you see, they let Satan out of her pen for a while and she's living here with me and my fiancee. And by Satan, I mean my Fiancee's mother. She's a real piece of work. Had a brain anyurisim when she was in her early twenties, and she's been on disability since. She's a first rate bitch and a real asshole to boot. She likes to think she's right all the time, and that everything she does is perfect, while anything anyone else does is wrong, shitty and could've been done better by her.

I could go on, but then I'd get into venting and loose the impetus for this. She's been here for about a week's time now, and all she's done is bitch, moan, gripe and complain about everything being in such a state of disrepair and everyone not helping her. Ya see, she's got this chip on her shoulder the size of the fucking planet and i swear someone needs to knock it off her shoulder and beat her around the head with it for a few years.

She's got such a self-inflated view of herself that it's sickening. I've never seen anyone so self-deluded. She actually thinks that I don't do anything around here. What a load of bull. She specifically tells me to go and rest because my asthma is bad (Note: it's always bad; she smokes in the house) and then has the sheer audacity to say that I don't do anything.

I used to take pity on her, seeing as she's been in abusive relationships and everything else that somehow plagues her. Not any more! Why? Not her treatment of me, that's for certain, but ya know what? If she treated any of the guys that she was with like she treats me, it's little wonder she's been beaten so many times.

We men will only put up with that kind of crap for so long before we just stand up and walk away. It's the bad ones who try to beat their idea of what a woman should be into their women.

I don't condone violence against women. Not in the slightest. But you remember seeing that sleazy jerk on TV, doesn't matter what show, you know the type; The self-satisfied, smug fucker who needs someone to take him out back and put a good beating to him. The guys that make you wantto jump through the TV and throttle the hell out of them? yeah. THAT is what I get to deal with, 24/7, when the Fiancee's mother is here.

Someone want to shoot her? Or me?

Please?





bah... she's not worth the bullet.


But there are days when I wonder...