I Suck.

Yeah. I know. 'Angsty', 'Emo', blah blah blah. Shut the fuck up.

I suck. I know I do.
I'm frikkin 28 years old and I havn't done a single thing with my life.

'But it's your life and you live it the way you choose', or so says my mom.

Bullshit. utter fucking claptrap. No one really knows me. At all. My Fiancee is about the only one who does, and by any higher power listening, if I ever have to let her friends get to know me better, I hope I don't screw it up.

Ya see, I'm more then a little weird.

Ok.

I'm a lot weird. If I could be given a preference in what I could do, it would be to take a very large, sharp, heavy object and go beat some skulls in with it.

Why?

Because maybe causing a little pain, destruction and chaos would make me feel a little better about my life.

Am I violent? No. I'm actually quite peaceful.

On the outside.

Inside? Pfft. I bottle everything up. And not because I have issues expressing anger, it's for the simple reason of 'why should I'? i don't give a damn about how other people see me, mainly because I've become so overweight it's not funny. I can't even tie my shoes without my gut crushing the air out of my lungs.

I really do give up. It's obvious that I am stuck in this rut for the rest of my life, and there's nothing I can do to change it.

How so?

Well, every time I have an idea, it gets shot down. Hard. Perfect example:

I'm a miniature painter of some skill, and I thought that I'd try to parley that skill into a job.

what a farce that was.

My father, who is a Bodyman by trade and works at restoring classic and antique cars, said that there was a need for people, in his business, that could restore the old speed/gas dials on the cars. I've done this before, and they turned out fairly well.

here comes the snag.

I get ready to do my first Dial, a nice little one from a '67 Austin Martin, when the guy pulls the job before he sent the parts. I sent an email asking why. He said he found someone else to do it and would not respond to any other email's I sent him.

....


Bah.. you know what, all this is going to become is a long winded rant espousing my own self-hatred.

It doesn't matter.

I don't matter.

I'm just another cog in the machine called life.


God I suck....